At one point or another all parents will find themselves in a situation that doesn't ignite pride but instead ignites a need to defend your child's need to know they failed. It may be that one day your child comes home from school with an A on paper they you can clearly see isn't A work. It might be that your child was supposed to earn enough stickers to go to a class party and didn't but went anyway. Too often childern are rewarded when they haven't preformed to a certain level. These times are when parents truly need to step up and ask why?
I found myself in this strange situation a few weeks ago. My three year old son had been attending AWANAS at a local church. AWANA's uses bible verse memorization and group activities to engage childern in the life of Christ. Children who memorize bible verse units are rewarded with patches to put on a vest. Since August my son and I had been working on a near weekly basis doing bible study and memorization. I was amazed that he could spit out two or three verses a week, he was just barely three when we started. After 10 months of working he had completed all of the bible verses for his age group and thus completed his first work book. The reward was a small bear to attach to his vest. He had even finished early and was very excited about getting his first book award. I was excited to because for the first time in his life he had done a group activity and in the process accomplished the monumental task of memorizing nearly 100 bible versus.
It was an evening earl this June when we showed up to the award ceremony. He was excited he was finally going to receive his award. We arrived just in time for it to start. His age group was going to go second after the 2 year olds. Finally, the big moment had arrived. He was up on stage. Things kicked off with a song and then one by one each child was called to recieve their award. They first when through all of the First year awards and my son's name wasn't called. I had assumed since we were a bit late that things were out of order. Then they called the second year awards. Then finally the announcer said "And this years participation award goes to Nathan J. For participating in Cubbies". I was very confused at this point. My son didn't just participate in cubbies. He and I had put forth a lot of effort to earn his patches. He had all of his patches so why then didn't he get his first year award.
Nathan asked where his bear was and I told him we'd have to go talk to someone. I didn't really know what was happening. My first thought was because my family didn't attend this church on a weekly basis that we weren't allowed to get the Full award. Then I realized that wasn't the right way to think about things the first church we attended for AWANA's had a lot of participants who didn't attend on a weekly basis. I left the auditorium and started gathering my questions. I found one of his class room teachers and asked why he didn't get his first year award and she said he didn't know the versus. He wasn't their enough. My heart boiled with furry. Not because my son hadn't accomplished this task but because no one told me he wasn't preforming in class. In fact they were rather insistent that I bring his book so he could get his patches. I was upset that everyone acted as though things were fine my son was being rewarded for half way doing things. That wasn't okay with me. Either my child makes an "A" or he doesn't. I couldn't believe that was happening even at church.
I actually had to leave and sit in the car I was so upset. My son and I had nearly 3 full weeks to review and work on any versus he didn't know and none of his teachers told me. Like I said he was already given his patches. For three weeks i was under the impression that things were fine. After the ceremony was over I found the coordinators for his age group and tried as hard as possible to remain calm. I asked her why my son had his patches for the versus he'd learned if hadn't actually done them class. Why was under the impression for nearly a month that my child had done the work needed to earn those patches. Honestly at this point I didn't want my son to even have a vest full of patches he didn't earn. The coordinator didn't really know what I was talking about. She was actually impressed that my son had gotten things done. She said there had been a mix up and some of the kids didn't get the right awards. Additionally there was confusion over who had actually finished their books. That explanation was fine with me. It didn't change the fact my son was recognized in front of every as only as a participant but I can let that go.
I had found myself having to take up for my son's possible failure. It was a strange place to be to say the least. I can only imagine what it will be like later on if he goes to school. I expect those who are in charge of son and his education be it religious or academic tell me when he isn't doing superior work. I wouldn't dare be hurt by it in the least. In fact I would be very appreciative. I would be empowered to help my child succeed at a later time.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Adventures with a sticker Chart
I have a 3 year old son who is a pleasure to be around. In the past few months I have been wondering how to get him to do some things he wouldn't normally do. I have been toying with the idea of a sticker chart.
Let me be the first to say this wasn't my first or favorite option. I am a big fan of Gentle and Positive Discipline. I think a child should learn appropriate behavior from positive re enforcement and detract from negative behavior through natural consequences.
For so long I had avoided the sticker chart. I felt like it reduced my DS's behavior to a pieces of printed paper with an adhesive on the back. After living with my DS for three years I know my DS loves rewards and prizes. They are a great motivator for him and so I went with what works for him, despite my feelings about sticker charts.
I began with three behaviors that I wanted to help him change. I didn't want to make the chart to complicated so I thought just three behaviors would be easiest for him to change and for myself. I often go over board with change and it can be over whelming for the whole family. My three top behaviors of choice were staying in bed, sitting at dinner, and cleaning up after himself. I searched online for several sticker charts but none of them were what I needed. So I designed my on chart. I needed a chart with pictures so my DS would know what each behavior was. For example staynig in bed, I put a picture of a bed in the top column. I also labeled each behavior so later on he could associate the picture and word.
After I published the chart I showed it to my son. The first thing I went over was sitting at dinner time. Dinner was an hour so I wanted him to fully understand what I would be expecting. I then went to cleaning, and well he said "I AM OUT OF HERE". He left the room. Now, cleaning up is a bit of a sore issue in this house. He doesn't like to clean up after himself and I really think he'd be happier if he had no toys to clean up. After a few minutes I got him to come back and talk to me. We talked about the reward for cleaning up and how things would go. He still seemed not convinced so I went on to bed time. Now I knew this wasn't going to be any easier than the cleaning issue.
My son is a long time co-sleeper. He is very accustom to having me in the bed with him when he goes to sleep. Over the past few months bed time has been more of a battle than sleep time. A month ago I instituted a routine that we do not deviate from. He knows the routine as well his dad and me. The problem is after we go through the routine he just simply doesn't want to stay in bed. Even if I am laying in bed with him he will crawl around his bed, want water, need to pee, get up and run in the living room. IF I leave the room his behavior is even more difficult to deal with. He gets up multiple times, some nights its as if bed never even happened. His reaction to the whole idea of staying in bed without me was well...NOT surprising. My DS's first response was the lamp in his room makes him silly. Nice try for a nearly 4 year old. I assured him that mommy and daddy would come to his room if he needed us. I told him that mommy and daddy would be very happy to let him stay up one night a week with pop corn and a movie if he stayed in bed on a regular basis. The idea of watching a movie really peeked his interest. I thought I got through the introduction of this idea to him pretty easily.
Dinner was fast approaching, so I posted his new sticker chart on the fridge and then we went over the rules for Dinner time. Rule #1. He had to stay seated for 15 minutes or when one of the adults said it was alright to leave the table.. For the past few months he's been getting up during dinner and not eating. Rule #2. He had to sit quietly, too often he uses dinner to make noises at the table and his dad and I are trying catch up for the day. Rule #3 he has to asked to be excused. I believe in good manors and they should be taught as an example. Now there's not really a time I can show him an example of being excused. So I just stuck this one in there. I showed him the rules and the symbols. I feel like he would be able to feel better understand the rules if there were pictures involved. I posted them on the wall across from where he sits at dinner. I went over each rule and made sure he understood. I also went over the reward. If he can sit through 3 dinners he gets a special dessert on day 4. Funny enough he wanted to know if he could have an ice cream sundae. He gets three warnings for his behavior at dinner. After three warnings he will be asked try harder for his sticker at the next dinner.
His dad came home and I put him on the same page as myself. Now there's nothing more difficult or impossible to do than implement a new system and your partner isn't on the same page. I have tried in the past and it just doesn't work. When I first told my DP what I had come up with he laughed. What sold him on the idea was our son's excitement about the chart. So dinner time came and my DS got his sticker. He did very well. The sticker didn't come without praise though. My DP thanked him for sitting and joining us for dinner. He explained to him how much he likes having him at dinner. Our son was gushing with excitement.
The next hurdle on our chart was Clean up time. This one didn't go over so well. After three warnings to straighten his toy shelf he said he didn't want his sticker. I was frustrated that the prospect of going to the pool this weekend hadn't worked. I X'ed the spot for the sticker and that was that. This also had me worried for bedtime. What if he had decided he simply didn't want the sticker that would ultimately earn him a movie night.
We had been to the park that evening and he was pretty worn out from the whole experience. He had played with some kids and then joined me for part of my evening run. When we returned home I started his bed time routine. It was only natural it was 8PM. So I went about it slowly. I was under what seemed like pressure since the Season finale of Lost was coming on in just one hour. He did his shower and then wanted a bed time snack. Several snacks in fact. I felt like it was stall tactic but I wanted him full so there would be no excuses once it was time to get in bed. After his snack he asked for story time and we did stories. Then came lights out. Now I knew it would be very rude and down right wrong to kiss him good night, turn off the light, and leave. That would have blown up more quickly than an atom bomb. So I went really slow with my intentions to leave the room while he was still awake. First, I turned on a Book on CD. HE insisted that I "read" it to him but I assured him I would come check on him. I told him all he had to do was call for me if he "needed" me. I went back in his room several times upon his request but at NO point did he get out of bed. Each time I returned I let him know that he was doing great with staying in the bed. He could go to sleep and he would be fine. Right before falling asleep in his room I was giving him a back rub. He was insisting that I keep rubbing but I finally told him it was time for sleep. Part of that decision came from my very full bladder. HE cried for a minute while I went to be bathroom. The bathroom is right next to his room so I stayed in there for about 5 minutes. He was asleep when I came back inside the room. I was so happy for him.
This morning my DS woke and I told him what he had done. He had gone to sleep without me, and he had stayed in bed. He was so happy for himself. He ran into the kitchen to look at his sticker chart. Now of course I was beaming on the inside because not only did night one go well, he was so proud of himself. He started talking about what movie he was going to watch, and wanted to know if he was going to get Popcorn.
I will continue to post on my progress with this system. I am very happy and pleased that my Dp is on board with me.
Let me be the first to say this wasn't my first or favorite option. I am a big fan of Gentle and Positive Discipline. I think a child should learn appropriate behavior from positive re enforcement and detract from negative behavior through natural consequences.
For so long I had avoided the sticker chart. I felt like it reduced my DS's behavior to a pieces of printed paper with an adhesive on the back. After living with my DS for three years I know my DS loves rewards and prizes. They are a great motivator for him and so I went with what works for him, despite my feelings about sticker charts.
I began with three behaviors that I wanted to help him change. I didn't want to make the chart to complicated so I thought just three behaviors would be easiest for him to change and for myself. I often go over board with change and it can be over whelming for the whole family. My three top behaviors of choice were staying in bed, sitting at dinner, and cleaning up after himself. I searched online for several sticker charts but none of them were what I needed. So I designed my on chart. I needed a chart with pictures so my DS would know what each behavior was. For example staynig in bed, I put a picture of a bed in the top column. I also labeled each behavior so later on he could associate the picture and word.
After I published the chart I showed it to my son. The first thing I went over was sitting at dinner time. Dinner was an hour so I wanted him to fully understand what I would be expecting. I then went to cleaning, and well he said "I AM OUT OF HERE". He left the room. Now, cleaning up is a bit of a sore issue in this house. He doesn't like to clean up after himself and I really think he'd be happier if he had no toys to clean up. After a few minutes I got him to come back and talk to me. We talked about the reward for cleaning up and how things would go. He still seemed not convinced so I went on to bed time. Now I knew this wasn't going to be any easier than the cleaning issue.
My son is a long time co-sleeper. He is very accustom to having me in the bed with him when he goes to sleep. Over the past few months bed time has been more of a battle than sleep time. A month ago I instituted a routine that we do not deviate from. He knows the routine as well his dad and me. The problem is after we go through the routine he just simply doesn't want to stay in bed. Even if I am laying in bed with him he will crawl around his bed, want water, need to pee, get up and run in the living room. IF I leave the room his behavior is even more difficult to deal with. He gets up multiple times, some nights its as if bed never even happened. His reaction to the whole idea of staying in bed without me was well...NOT surprising. My DS's first response was the lamp in his room makes him silly. Nice try for a nearly 4 year old. I assured him that mommy and daddy would come to his room if he needed us. I told him that mommy and daddy would be very happy to let him stay up one night a week with pop corn and a movie if he stayed in bed on a regular basis. The idea of watching a movie really peeked his interest. I thought I got through the introduction of this idea to him pretty easily.
Dinner was fast approaching, so I posted his new sticker chart on the fridge and then we went over the rules for Dinner time. Rule #1. He had to stay seated for 15 minutes or when one of the adults said it was alright to leave the table.. For the past few months he's been getting up during dinner and not eating. Rule #2. He had to sit quietly, too often he uses dinner to make noises at the table and his dad and I are trying catch up for the day. Rule #3 he has to asked to be excused. I believe in good manors and they should be taught as an example. Now there's not really a time I can show him an example of being excused. So I just stuck this one in there. I showed him the rules and the symbols. I feel like he would be able to feel better understand the rules if there were pictures involved. I posted them on the wall across from where he sits at dinner. I went over each rule and made sure he understood. I also went over the reward. If he can sit through 3 dinners he gets a special dessert on day 4. Funny enough he wanted to know if he could have an ice cream sundae. He gets three warnings for his behavior at dinner. After three warnings he will be asked try harder for his sticker at the next dinner.
His dad came home and I put him on the same page as myself. Now there's nothing more difficult or impossible to do than implement a new system and your partner isn't on the same page. I have tried in the past and it just doesn't work. When I first told my DP what I had come up with he laughed. What sold him on the idea was our son's excitement about the chart. So dinner time came and my DS got his sticker. He did very well. The sticker didn't come without praise though. My DP thanked him for sitting and joining us for dinner. He explained to him how much he likes having him at dinner. Our son was gushing with excitement.
The next hurdle on our chart was Clean up time. This one didn't go over so well. After three warnings to straighten his toy shelf he said he didn't want his sticker. I was frustrated that the prospect of going to the pool this weekend hadn't worked. I X'ed the spot for the sticker and that was that. This also had me worried for bedtime. What if he had decided he simply didn't want the sticker that would ultimately earn him a movie night.
We had been to the park that evening and he was pretty worn out from the whole experience. He had played with some kids and then joined me for part of my evening run. When we returned home I started his bed time routine. It was only natural it was 8PM. So I went about it slowly. I was under what seemed like pressure since the Season finale of Lost was coming on in just one hour. He did his shower and then wanted a bed time snack. Several snacks in fact. I felt like it was stall tactic but I wanted him full so there would be no excuses once it was time to get in bed. After his snack he asked for story time and we did stories. Then came lights out. Now I knew it would be very rude and down right wrong to kiss him good night, turn off the light, and leave. That would have blown up more quickly than an atom bomb. So I went really slow with my intentions to leave the room while he was still awake. First, I turned on a Book on CD. HE insisted that I "read" it to him but I assured him I would come check on him. I told him all he had to do was call for me if he "needed" me. I went back in his room several times upon his request but at NO point did he get out of bed. Each time I returned I let him know that he was doing great with staying in the bed. He could go to sleep and he would be fine. Right before falling asleep in his room I was giving him a back rub. He was insisting that I keep rubbing but I finally told him it was time for sleep. Part of that decision came from my very full bladder. HE cried for a minute while I went to be bathroom. The bathroom is right next to his room so I stayed in there for about 5 minutes. He was asleep when I came back inside the room. I was so happy for him.
This morning my DS woke and I told him what he had done. He had gone to sleep without me, and he had stayed in bed. He was so happy for himself. He ran into the kitchen to look at his sticker chart. Now of course I was beaming on the inside because not only did night one go well, he was so proud of himself. He started talking about what movie he was going to watch, and wanted to know if he was going to get Popcorn.
I will continue to post on my progress with this system. I am very happy and pleased that my Dp is on board with me.
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