So I took an adventure with sticker charts and the results...drum roll please.
They didn't work. Well they did and didn't. My DS would go to sleep in his own room and my step kids would clean up their messes. On the other hand my DS would still cry for me because he doesn't like the dark and my step kids resented me for laying down the law. So in all reality I got some behavior I wanted from my kids and a whole lot more less respect than I had wished for from my kids.
Yet truly I came to the conclusion I don't want anything getting in the way of us building a relationship. Something as positive as a sticker chart can get in the way when it becomes negative. The negative being they didn't earn the sticker if they didn't hold up their end of the bargain.
For weeks into the my sticker charting adventure it came to light the problems with the method. I did have some preconcieved notions but they were more about the process being demeaning rather than what really happened in my case.
SO again I found myself at square one, how can I get my needs met (Not my wants) and the kids get what they need met without any punishment. How can I communicate my needs to the kids so they understand how I feel?
There other half of that is the reality I don't want to parent my step kids. Now before the reader starts assuming I don't care about them let me say this. I am not their mother, they have a mother and father. I feel like my place isn't to be a mom. That doesn't mean I don't care about them, I want our relationship to be different. I don't want a similar relationship with my step kids have with their mother. Believe me, they don't want that either!! What I want to be in my step kids lives is another adult who can guide them...rather than someone who constantly disciplining ect. Maybe a shoulder to cry on or someone who can work out a problem for math class. So how on Earth can I accomplish this. I began to research and I found what seems like a perfect solution. I will get to that solution in a minute.
There's also the case of my DS who brought me to the idea of sticker charting. His sticker chart over the summer grew and grew from just three things he was responsible for doing, to 5 things before I decided to toss it away. I realize my DS is four and yearning to just be a kid. I also realized that the sticker chart and time outs weren't working fr him. IF they were he would have actually stopped hitting and stopped getting out of bed. I have had to revamp how I live with him as well. I know why he hits and I know why he doesn't like to stay in bed. He has told me time and time again. I think its time I listened and respected what he's going through.
So I decided to start researching Gentle Discipline all over again. I found the concept of consensual living. I have hit around this idea for sometime for living iwth my DS, but I did't know it had a name. I also don't know anyone who actually uses this concept in the real world.
What I do know is that it takes the parents creating a loving enviroment with lots of love and respect for the childern. Then it takes some undestanding of basic communication skills. This is an area I am going to have to work on, esspecially when it coems to my step kids. Lucky for them I have plenty of time to practice with my DS.
So off to a reward free, punishment free life with my son. http://www.consensual-living.com/
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Seeing the light
I wouldn't say an actual Light as in a divine moment, it was more or less like a HUGE compact florescent bulb going off above my Partner's head. You mean he doesn't have to go to school next year.
My son in less than a year will be old enough to start school in a public education institution. However according to North Carolina state rules, a child is not required to do Kindergarten and does not have to register as a home school student until they are old enough to start the first grade. My son will be six or seven depending on his maturity level when he enters the first grade.
While many of my son's peers are headed off to preschool, and at the same time mothers are scrambling to get thereon time I am here at home. The reason is my partner and I have decided to give Homeschooling the old college try. Now in many respects I am a home schooler, I always find the home schoolers where ever I live. I haven't stopped looking for them now and I plan to continue looking until I find a group that meets my needs. I come up with things for my son to explore and I search for those "teachable" moments.
Why is now different from all the other times. Well in some ways I had considered putting my DS in preschool for a while. I had planned on finishing my degree and giving him a chance in a "structured" enviroment. Just not two weeks ago I was calling preschools and my partner was trying to get a grasp on the fact that not even a year from now our son, his baby, would be going off to kindergarten. More than anything I think my DP found comfort in the pressure being let off from our son.
So next week is our first "official week." Basically, I will be scheduling my house hold activities around his desire to explore. The house should be ready by then to fully help him explore his desire to learn and understand the world around him.
My son in less than a year will be old enough to start school in a public education institution. However according to North Carolina state rules, a child is not required to do Kindergarten and does not have to register as a home school student until they are old enough to start the first grade. My son will be six or seven depending on his maturity level when he enters the first grade.
While many of my son's peers are headed off to preschool, and at the same time mothers are scrambling to get thereon time I am here at home. The reason is my partner and I have decided to give Homeschooling the old college try. Now in many respects I am a home schooler, I always find the home schoolers where ever I live. I haven't stopped looking for them now and I plan to continue looking until I find a group that meets my needs. I come up with things for my son to explore and I search for those "teachable" moments.
Why is now different from all the other times. Well in some ways I had considered putting my DS in preschool for a while. I had planned on finishing my degree and giving him a chance in a "structured" enviroment. Just not two weeks ago I was calling preschools and my partner was trying to get a grasp on the fact that not even a year from now our son, his baby, would be going off to kindergarten. More than anything I think my DP found comfort in the pressure being let off from our son.
So next week is our first "official week." Basically, I will be scheduling my house hold activities around his desire to explore. The house should be ready by then to fully help him explore his desire to learn and understand the world around him.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Presenting My Kids
Well its true that most 25 year old women do not have the responsibility of guiding three kids through life. In fact most 25 years old women in this day and age don't even have children. The ones that do have children, have children under the age of 6. So what makes me so darn special in that I have 3 kids to worry over, that would be that two of them are my step kids ages 10 and 12. They are will be known for all intensive purposes as The boy(10) and The girl(12), my son will be labeled as my son.
I have just spent the nearly three months staying at home every day with all three children. I'll be honest this was no cake walk and its far beyond easy. Yet I tried to make it work. I think they tried as well and the results were somewhat surprising. We started the summer as a mountain family. The boy and girl were afforded freedom with riding their bikes into the small quaint mountain town down down from our house. They completed the summer reading program at the local library in a matter of weeks instead of months. During this time in the mountains we went camping, hiking, bike riding, swimming, and they also went skating, the boy went to work one day with his dad, the girl spent much of her time on the Internet at night.
Then SMACK dab in the middle of the summer when the heat couldn't be any more unbearable, when things were just great enough to go off on a long summer vacation in the cool of the NC mountains we MOVED!!! I give my step kids a lot of credit they helped us move an entire house across the state. They helped me find boxes, pack boxes and most importantly pack the moving van. As if packing the house wasn't enough, less than 6 hours after finally loading the truck it was time to unpack it. It was a Huge undertaking for our family of 5. The boy and girl hadn't ever moved before. In the past they were with their mother when their father and I decided to move. Aside from us moving around their mother has always stayed put. I can understand their frustration and their desire to stop working. I was 11 when my mother moved us out our family's home. Yet I had the luxury of about 5 adults and teen age boys to do most of the moving. I was merely a side line cheerleader. My step kids on the other hand pulled as much as weight as we needed them too and the job was done in time for us to all collapse in our beds.
The next week was me unpacking as quickly as I could while the kids found all the best hiding places in the house. There's still one secret hiding place that my step son has yet to reveal. The next week was spent in agony as we waited for our Direct TV to be installed and if we were going to get a phone so we could get Internet. Did I mention our new home is so far out of the way that Embark doesn't offer Broad band. So after 5 years of sacrifice and hard work we are using dial up. Off my tangent and on to reality. So I tried to get the kids out side with little result, quiet frankly it was much to hot and humid outside. Then there was the day I got stung by a yellow jacket. Trust me no one wants that to happen. The good news there is, I am not deathly allergic to Yellow jackets. Also that week Direct TV showed up here and told me I couldn't get satellite services. Imagine the disappointment, for nearly 2 weeks we hadn't watched any of our favorite shows and now we couldn't get them at all. This is when the kids started getting creative!!!
On a night when the boredom was unbearable the kids did something for their dad and I that I will always cherish. They put on a play!!!
Though I don't know the name of the play it was written by the boy and girl and stared all three of them. It started with nearly two hours of waiting while the kids sorted out their sudden inspiration. Now this was great for their dad and I, as we needed to some catching up for the day. Then they finally allowed us in the living room. The stage was set, the girl sitting at her convenience store counter as she says her lines in comes the boy stating there's a monster outside. In the blink of an eye they both agree to hide as the monster covered in red paint, appears. The monster was my son. Now this was more funny than scary he hit every mark so perfectly. He liked eating his brothers and sisters. The boy and girl had planned every moment of the skit with decor, make up ,costumes and lighting.
Then there was the week in which every thing was about "picking a card" or "watch this". Previous to us leaving the mountains I had taken the kids to see a Magician. The boy and girl were so inspire by the performance they both checked out books from the library on Card tricks and magic tricks. I was never into Magic tricks. I was always too slow with my hands. The fact my step kids were interested I thought was great. Over several weeks they each mastered several card tricks and the boy even mastered a few simple magic tricks. Now I will admit there was a time when I simply got tired of picking card and watching the next trick. Yet from their experimentation I am sure they will impress many of their friends this up coming school year.
The boy and girl's desire to perform and act is something I think should be encouraged. My partner told me when they were kids they liked putting on puppet shows and plays. I truly think that they both have potential in this area. The girl really wants to go to school to be an actress. In some ways I think her talents lay in stage acting, but who would want to give up the glamour and fame of Hollywood if you have what it takes. I see the boy as more of an entertainer such as a comedian or comical magician.
Yet if the stage or big screen isn't what they are destine for it has to be athletes. One day a few years back the girl and I played Volleyball and ever since had showed an interest. This year she will be going out for the school team. By all means I hope she makes the team and proves a worthy athlete. The boy this summer has been very interested in Ice Hockey. Its no wonder either we are now members of a local Ice Skating facility which also hosts several Ice Hockey leagues. He took the time this summer to read a book about Ice Hockey and really showed himself off on the Ice. For kid who doesn't go ice skating very often I would say he has the potential to do great things in hockey.
Now their final week here was also the first week of the Olympic games. Now i have a slight obsession with the Olympics. I really enjoy obscure Olympic sports and the stories that are often told about the athletes and places. So every evening we watched everything from Syncronized diving, to beach volley ball, and gymnastic. They summer Olympics were great we all were really cheering for Micheal Phelps by the time he won his Fifth Olympic gold. All of the kids shown a genuine interest in Gymnastics. The boy and girl have both been involved in gymnastics. I find that fantastic and would really like to put my son in gymnastics as well. As a kid I always wanted to take gymnastics but never got a chance. So every night I found myself yelling..STOP DOING gymnastics in the living room. In some ways I couldn't blame them, the yard is hot and has yellow jackets flying about. Their bedrooms aren't big enough, and the hard wood wide open spaces of the living room is just too tempting. I have a black mark across one wall where the children were practicing their hand stands. At first I was going to clean it with a magic eraser but might just leave it as a reminder of the summer games. After all was said and done my step daughter said she'd like to do gymnastics one more time.
Less than a week ago the boy and girl was returned to their mother's home. I can only hope that the few weeks of no TV, no Internet, and plain "nothing to do" inspires a deeper level of creativity. I hope the girl does make the school volley ball team and that the boy acquires some new magic tricks, perhaps one or two that his dad doesn't know. :)
I have just spent the nearly three months staying at home every day with all three children. I'll be honest this was no cake walk and its far beyond easy. Yet I tried to make it work. I think they tried as well and the results were somewhat surprising. We started the summer as a mountain family. The boy and girl were afforded freedom with riding their bikes into the small quaint mountain town down down from our house. They completed the summer reading program at the local library in a matter of weeks instead of months. During this time in the mountains we went camping, hiking, bike riding, swimming, and they also went skating, the boy went to work one day with his dad, the girl spent much of her time on the Internet at night.
Then SMACK dab in the middle of the summer when the heat couldn't be any more unbearable, when things were just great enough to go off on a long summer vacation in the cool of the NC mountains we MOVED!!! I give my step kids a lot of credit they helped us move an entire house across the state. They helped me find boxes, pack boxes and most importantly pack the moving van. As if packing the house wasn't enough, less than 6 hours after finally loading the truck it was time to unpack it. It was a Huge undertaking for our family of 5. The boy and girl hadn't ever moved before. In the past they were with their mother when their father and I decided to move. Aside from us moving around their mother has always stayed put. I can understand their frustration and their desire to stop working. I was 11 when my mother moved us out our family's home. Yet I had the luxury of about 5 adults and teen age boys to do most of the moving. I was merely a side line cheerleader. My step kids on the other hand pulled as much as weight as we needed them too and the job was done in time for us to all collapse in our beds.
The next week was me unpacking as quickly as I could while the kids found all the best hiding places in the house. There's still one secret hiding place that my step son has yet to reveal. The next week was spent in agony as we waited for our Direct TV to be installed and if we were going to get a phone so we could get Internet. Did I mention our new home is so far out of the way that Embark doesn't offer Broad band. So after 5 years of sacrifice and hard work we are using dial up. Off my tangent and on to reality. So I tried to get the kids out side with little result, quiet frankly it was much to hot and humid outside. Then there was the day I got stung by a yellow jacket. Trust me no one wants that to happen. The good news there is, I am not deathly allergic to Yellow jackets. Also that week Direct TV showed up here and told me I couldn't get satellite services. Imagine the disappointment, for nearly 2 weeks we hadn't watched any of our favorite shows and now we couldn't get them at all. This is when the kids started getting creative!!!
On a night when the boredom was unbearable the kids did something for their dad and I that I will always cherish. They put on a play!!!
Though I don't know the name of the play it was written by the boy and girl and stared all three of them. It started with nearly two hours of waiting while the kids sorted out their sudden inspiration. Now this was great for their dad and I, as we needed to some catching up for the day. Then they finally allowed us in the living room. The stage was set, the girl sitting at her convenience store counter as she says her lines in comes the boy stating there's a monster outside. In the blink of an eye they both agree to hide as the monster covered in red paint, appears. The monster was my son. Now this was more funny than scary he hit every mark so perfectly. He liked eating his brothers and sisters. The boy and girl had planned every moment of the skit with decor, make up ,costumes and lighting.
Then there was the week in which every thing was about "picking a card" or "watch this". Previous to us leaving the mountains I had taken the kids to see a Magician. The boy and girl were so inspire by the performance they both checked out books from the library on Card tricks and magic tricks. I was never into Magic tricks. I was always too slow with my hands. The fact my step kids were interested I thought was great. Over several weeks they each mastered several card tricks and the boy even mastered a few simple magic tricks. Now I will admit there was a time when I simply got tired of picking card and watching the next trick. Yet from their experimentation I am sure they will impress many of their friends this up coming school year.
The boy and girl's desire to perform and act is something I think should be encouraged. My partner told me when they were kids they liked putting on puppet shows and plays. I truly think that they both have potential in this area. The girl really wants to go to school to be an actress. In some ways I think her talents lay in stage acting, but who would want to give up the glamour and fame of Hollywood if you have what it takes. I see the boy as more of an entertainer such as a comedian or comical magician.
Yet if the stage or big screen isn't what they are destine for it has to be athletes. One day a few years back the girl and I played Volleyball and ever since had showed an interest. This year she will be going out for the school team. By all means I hope she makes the team and proves a worthy athlete. The boy this summer has been very interested in Ice Hockey. Its no wonder either we are now members of a local Ice Skating facility which also hosts several Ice Hockey leagues. He took the time this summer to read a book about Ice Hockey and really showed himself off on the Ice. For kid who doesn't go ice skating very often I would say he has the potential to do great things in hockey.
Now their final week here was also the first week of the Olympic games. Now i have a slight obsession with the Olympics. I really enjoy obscure Olympic sports and the stories that are often told about the athletes and places. So every evening we watched everything from Syncronized diving, to beach volley ball, and gymnastic. They summer Olympics were great we all were really cheering for Micheal Phelps by the time he won his Fifth Olympic gold. All of the kids shown a genuine interest in Gymnastics. The boy and girl have both been involved in gymnastics. I find that fantastic and would really like to put my son in gymnastics as well. As a kid I always wanted to take gymnastics but never got a chance. So every night I found myself yelling..STOP DOING gymnastics in the living room. In some ways I couldn't blame them, the yard is hot and has yellow jackets flying about. Their bedrooms aren't big enough, and the hard wood wide open spaces of the living room is just too tempting. I have a black mark across one wall where the children were practicing their hand stands. At first I was going to clean it with a magic eraser but might just leave it as a reminder of the summer games. After all was said and done my step daughter said she'd like to do gymnastics one more time.
Less than a week ago the boy and girl was returned to their mother's home. I can only hope that the few weeks of no TV, no Internet, and plain "nothing to do" inspires a deeper level of creativity. I hope the girl does make the school volley ball team and that the boy acquires some new magic tricks, perhaps one or two that his dad doesn't know. :)
Monday, August 11, 2008
From "Being Domestic" to Being Domestic
There was a time in nearly every Domestic Engineers life that we weren't a Domestic Engineer. At some point we were all just kids having fun, good fun that was funny. There was a life before we had children and home that we joked about "Being Domestic". I don't know how many times I would tell friends that I was "Being domestic" when I washed dishes for my dorm room or cleaned up at my parents house. One of friends called her self "being domestic" when she washed clothes for her boy friend. To us it was all a joke, most of were in college by that point just having a good ole time. The fact we were a majority at our school and that the vast majority of us were planning a life on the career path made the joke of "Being Domestic" all the more funny. NONE of us had the intention of really "being domestic".
What brings this on is an Innocent camera that I took to my local one hour photo processor. This particular disposable camera had been with me since before my DP and I ever called ourselves a couple. We were talking at the time I bought this particular camera. Still the same, this camera and its contents were over 5 years old and it had keeping the secrets of my previous life. Now before your little head drops off into the world of weird sex or illegal activities (okay underage drinking is illegal), that's hardly the case . I had actually forgotten what was on this camera, I just knew I might have some explaining to do. Was it the camera that had me funneling beer, or was it the one with me passed out drunk. I truly didn't know. What I did know is I didn't want the kids to see.
After about an hour I go back to the photo processor open the envelope and I was surprised. It was pictures from a Spiritual retreat. I was relieved, what wonderful pictures I had of some old friends from the Christian group. After about ten pictures BOOM!! The reality hit, I was suddenly shot back to a place when I wasn't ever having children and there was nothing peaceful and serene about the pictures. I was in my dorm room on what appears to be a typical Thursday night in college. 5 or 6 people in my room with all of us passing the camera around taking pictures of each other. My initial reaction was Oh My God! the photo processor had seen these pictures. The reaction the followed was surprising, I missed those college days...or did I? At the time I when I was a single, independent female, doing what ever she wished day and night. It wasn't as if I had eased my way into my current life, it was more or less I was flung from one life style to another in a single menstral cycle.
Suddenly I found myself standing there with kids all around and my DP reflecting on a by gone era of my life as if I had missed something. I critiqued the faces of my old friends, friends that after I had my son disappeared from my life. I looked at the contents of my dorm room, which was really a mish-mash of objects I had collected. I still remembered joking with some of the girls in the pictures about "when we get married". Honestly it was the biggest running joke among many of my friends at the time.
My thoughts at those moments were suddenly confused why wasn't I wanting to rip a hole through time to be childless and man less after all it wasn't like I was ready to leave the party scene behind when I moved in with my DP and got pregnant. So I was conflicted. I was sprung out of the childless man less "being domestic" world of a 20 year old the day I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't that uncommon. A couple moves into together, one wild night, and nine months later. Yet it happened to me, though what I did wasn't normal. I still laugh that my DP and I decided to have a kid. Its true. Although I wasn't the only domestic engineer I had met that moved in with their partner and got a big surprise. It was more than that, they fell in love with staying at home. They love being dedicated to their families more than anything else in the world. That was exactly it; I love my life as it is right now. It took nearly two days of reflecting to sort out these feelings that I didn't truly like my independent life. I had been taught as many women in my generation have that Working and living alone are best. You can do what ever you want. Being Domestic is more than our mother's and Grandmothers had told us about. Honestly I like that I can spend my days with my children and realize at 4 in the afternoon I am still wearing my PJ's. If I had actually followed the first path I was on, I am sure I would be up at 4AM on a research vessel somewhere with people I didn't really like to begin with or worse staying up nights on end crunching data. What ever the case may be it wouldn't be sitting here blogging and wondering if I should eat Fruit loops or actually go fold the clothes that's been in the dryer since Friday. In all reality I am still doing what ever I want. I cook what I want, tell the the childern to do what I want, sleep in nearly as long I want to, stay on line as long as the house is still standing, decide to go shopping when I want to. I am the boss of no one else but me.
Too all of the Domestic Engineers out there who are just like me, good luck!
What brings this on is an Innocent camera that I took to my local one hour photo processor. This particular disposable camera had been with me since before my DP and I ever called ourselves a couple. We were talking at the time I bought this particular camera. Still the same, this camera and its contents were over 5 years old and it had keeping the secrets of my previous life. Now before your little head drops off into the world of weird sex or illegal activities (okay underage drinking is illegal), that's hardly the case . I had actually forgotten what was on this camera, I just knew I might have some explaining to do. Was it the camera that had me funneling beer, or was it the one with me passed out drunk. I truly didn't know. What I did know is I didn't want the kids to see.
After about an hour I go back to the photo processor open the envelope and I was surprised. It was pictures from a Spiritual retreat. I was relieved, what wonderful pictures I had of some old friends from the Christian group. After about ten pictures BOOM!! The reality hit, I was suddenly shot back to a place when I wasn't ever having children and there was nothing peaceful and serene about the pictures. I was in my dorm room on what appears to be a typical Thursday night in college. 5 or 6 people in my room with all of us passing the camera around taking pictures of each other. My initial reaction was Oh My God! the photo processor had seen these pictures. The reaction the followed was surprising, I missed those college days...or did I? At the time I when I was a single, independent female, doing what ever she wished day and night. It wasn't as if I had eased my way into my current life, it was more or less I was flung from one life style to another in a single menstral cycle.
Suddenly I found myself standing there with kids all around and my DP reflecting on a by gone era of my life as if I had missed something. I critiqued the faces of my old friends, friends that after I had my son disappeared from my life. I looked at the contents of my dorm room, which was really a mish-mash of objects I had collected. I still remembered joking with some of the girls in the pictures about "when we get married". Honestly it was the biggest running joke among many of my friends at the time.
My thoughts at those moments were suddenly confused why wasn't I wanting to rip a hole through time to be childless and man less after all it wasn't like I was ready to leave the party scene behind when I moved in with my DP and got pregnant. So I was conflicted. I was sprung out of the childless man less "being domestic" world of a 20 year old the day I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't that uncommon. A couple moves into together, one wild night, and nine months later. Yet it happened to me, though what I did wasn't normal. I still laugh that my DP and I decided to have a kid. Its true. Although I wasn't the only domestic engineer I had met that moved in with their partner and got a big surprise. It was more than that, they fell in love with staying at home. They love being dedicated to their families more than anything else in the world. That was exactly it; I love my life as it is right now. It took nearly two days of reflecting to sort out these feelings that I didn't truly like my independent life. I had been taught as many women in my generation have that Working and living alone are best. You can do what ever you want. Being Domestic is more than our mother's and Grandmothers had told us about. Honestly I like that I can spend my days with my children and realize at 4 in the afternoon I am still wearing my PJ's. If I had actually followed the first path I was on, I am sure I would be up at 4AM on a research vessel somewhere with people I didn't really like to begin with or worse staying up nights on end crunching data. What ever the case may be it wouldn't be sitting here blogging and wondering if I should eat Fruit loops or actually go fold the clothes that's been in the dryer since Friday. In all reality I am still doing what ever I want. I cook what I want, tell the the childern to do what I want, sleep in nearly as long I want to, stay on line as long as the house is still standing, decide to go shopping when I want to. I am the boss of no one else but me.
Too all of the Domestic Engineers out there who are just like me, good luck!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
So I have moved and here's the rest of the story
So we pulled out of mars hill nearly two weeks ago and now we are living in a small rual community. All is well from a domestic Engineers point of view. The house is up and running though not entirely not unpacked. Did I mention we found a great house. But I'll blog about the wonders of our new home later.
Lets just say when you move 4 hours from your previous home you have little time to reflect or to really digest what is happening. For myself I have been only a grand total of two times since our computer Crashed several days before we moved. That was a real downer as I wanted to tell about all of the things we'd planned to do. I now find myself blogging from the public library.
Just a short time line of how things have gone in our move.
-computer crashed
-We moved
-I have been unpacking
-Got online last week
-Online now to give a quick update
That's really all for now
Lets just say when you move 4 hours from your previous home you have little time to reflect or to really digest what is happening. For myself I have been only a grand total of two times since our computer Crashed several days before we moved. That was a real downer as I wanted to tell about all of the things we'd planned to do. I now find myself blogging from the public library.
Just a short time line of how things have gone in our move.
-computer crashed
-We moved
-I have been unpacking
-Got online last week
-Online now to give a quick update
That's really all for now
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)