My Beginning to a Consensual Living Life.

So I took an adventure with sticker charts and the results...drum roll please.

They didn't work. Well they did and didn't. My DS would go to sleep in his own room and my step kids would clean up their messes. On the other hand my DS would still cry for me because he doesn't like the dark and my step kids resented me for laying down the law. So in all reality I got some behavior I wanted from my kids and a whole lot more less respect than I had wished for from my kids.

Yet truly I came to the conclusion I don't want anything getting in the way of us building a relationship. Something as positive as a sticker chart can get in the way when it becomes negative. The negative being they didn't earn the sticker if they didn't hold up their end of the bargain.

For weeks into the my sticker charting adventure it came to light the problems with the method. I did have some preconcieved notions but they were more about the process being demeaning rather than what really happened in my case.

SO again I found myself at square one, how can I get my needs met (Not my wants) and the kids get what they need met without any punishment. How can I communicate my needs to the kids so they understand how I feel?

There other half of that is the reality I don't want to parent my step kids. Now before the reader starts assuming I don't care about them let me say this. I am not their mother, they have a mother and father. I feel like my place isn't to be a mom. That doesn't mean I don't care about them, I want our relationship to be different. I don't want a similar relationship with my step kids have with their mother. Believe me, they don't want that either!! What I want to be in my step kids lives is another adult who can guide them...rather than someone who constantly disciplining ect. Maybe a shoulder to cry on or someone who can work out a problem for math class. So how on Earth can I accomplish this. I began to research and I found what seems like a perfect solution. I will get to that solution in a minute.

There's also the case of my DS who brought me to the idea of sticker charting. His sticker chart over the summer grew and grew from just three things he was responsible for doing, to 5 things before I decided to toss it away. I realize my DS is four and yearning to just be a kid. I also realized that the sticker chart and time outs weren't working fr him. IF they were he would have actually stopped hitting and stopped getting out of bed. I have had to revamp how I live with him as well. I know why he hits and I know why he doesn't like to stay in bed. He has told me time and time again. I think its time I listened and respected what he's going through.

So I decided to start researching Gentle Discipline all over again. I found the concept of consensual living. I have hit around this idea for sometime for living iwth my DS, but I did't know it had a name. I also don't know anyone who actually uses this concept in the real world.

What I do know is that it takes the parents creating a loving enviroment with lots of love and respect for the childern. Then it takes some undestanding of basic communication skills. This is an area I am going to have to work on, esspecially when it coems to my step kids. Lucky for them I have plenty of time to practice with my DS.

So off to a reward free, punishment free life with my son. http://www.consensual-living.com/